How To: be Submissive (in BDSM) November 8, 2019 – Posted in: BDSM, Relationships, Sex Advice, Sexuality – Tags: BDSM, submissive

Being a submissive is still shrouded in mystery. Even when Madonna released her 1990 single “Hanky Panky”, in which she crooned that there was nothing like a “good spanky”, it was a calculated controversy meant to shock most people. Adult spanking? Goodness me!

Fast forward to 2019, and BSDM is actually part of the popular culture landscape, featured in movies, videos, television shows and Facebook ads. Now that people can be more open about their sexual desires and needs, BSDM experimentation is often on the list.

But how do you know if you are a Submissive or a Dominant?

Do you actually have to pick a side? Or can you be both?

If you are interested in exploring the realm of BSDM, the first thing you should do is research. There is plenty of information online and in books that can help you define your role and/or provide ideas for what you might like to try.

Most people will entertain BSDM in the shared comfort of a relationship, but others might find excitement in hooking up with like-minded people online or at specific events and clubs. If you fall into the latter category, please know that there is no shame in this practice. There is a wide variety of online and in-person communities dedicated to BSDM fetishes of all sorts, so you aren’t alone.

If you are part of a relationship, and you and your partner are interested in some BDSM spice, then there are ways to ascertain if you want, or are willing, to be submissive. You might already have an inkling that you are the passive sexual partner, that you would like to release all sense of control and reap the benefits. However, if you aren’t sure, you should discuss the matter with your partner. Maybe you two could switch, which is the term used for people who are both submissive and dominant in their sex lives.

There are parameters for BDSM, including proper technique, boundaries and safewords. Even something as simple as spanking can be dangerous if done improperly, so follow directions, especially if any toys or proper are used. Since trust is the most essential element in BDSM, you and your partner must be explicitly clear regarding each other’s limits. Do not force your partner to do anything he or she does not want. And finally, always use a safeword, one agreed upon by both parties, that will immediately stop the activity.

Regardless of whether you are a natural submissive or are experimenting, the following two main categories offer activities that you and your partner can do to find your inner passive.

Role-Play as a Submissive

Although it may seem a bit clichéd, role play gives the opportunity for you to try multiple submissive identities and diminishes any initial awkwardness. Stern teacher and naughty student, prison guard and prisoner, or regal queen and court jester, all of these scenarios facilitate submissive exploration.

Variations of role-play include addressing the dominant as “mistress” or “master”, saying “thank you”, “please” and “may I”, and speaking deferentially. As the submissive, your goal is to satisfy the dominant, which means you speak when spoken to, do as you are told, and if allowed, you may speak only in glowing terms of serving the master/mistress.

An extension of this is asking for permission, for anything from food to sex. You may ask for their permission to touch them, or for them to kiss you. A common example of this would be that the submissive is forbidden to orgasm or touch themselves until allowed by the dominant.

Bondage

As one of the main terms in BDSM, bondage can take many forms, but usually involves literally being restrained by straps, handcuffs or ropes. Depending upon how enthusiastic you may be about this practice, there are all sorts of contraptions, materials, and techniques used for bondage, so feel free to explore all of the options.

If pain is of interest, then you can certainly increase the pain factor by introducing spanking, slapping, pinching, hair pulling and choking, although again, please be cautious with these possibilities, especially choking. When you are literally tied up, then you have to trust your partner, since he or she has all of the control. Take baby steps when experimenting with bondage and pain play.

Bondage can be incorporated into role play by punishing the submissive. If the rules have been established, and you “break” them, then your partner punishes you. It can take the form of actual physical contact or even withholding affection. You can be handcuffed for talking out of turn or for touching yourself without permission. These scenarios create a power dynamic that can be quite exciting.

If all goes well, and you enjoy being submissive, the play can be taken out of the bedroom, but remember that it depends upon honest communication with your partner. Even if being a submissive might initially seem counter-intuitive to you, by trying some of the above “games”, you might discover a new world of sexual liberation and pleasure, and that is definitely worth a “good spanky”.