While records were being shattered at the 2016 Rio Olympics, somewhere in the world a different kind of world record awaits the day when it too will be toppled. We all can’t get enough of the swimmers showing off their medals, the riders in full body spandex and the gymnasts balancing one legged on a beam. That’s all very well but what if there was a world record for doing all three things at once? Yep that’s what I’m talking about the unofficial Sex Olympics, these very special world records may not be recognized by the book of Guinness but they do exist and in the true spirit of competing and not only winning, we are going to take a look at some of the real, stand out performances.
Sex World Records
What better place to start than the unofficial marathon that is of course the Longest Masturbation session, not for the faint hearted! Forget fitness training this is more about time management skills. The current world record holder, Masanbou Sato of Japan and representing with a capital R, lasted a wildly impressive 9 hours and 58 minutes miraculously without cramping or retiring hurt, we can only guess it’s all in the wrist, truly an achievement of which to be proud. Dutch TV show Metropolis spoke to Sato to see if they could discover any of his trademark secrets? A two-hour morning tug was the only forthcoming answer. I guess being a world record holder is not all glitz and glam.
BE ADVISED – The following video is NSFW and 18+.
(video courtesy of You Tube and VPRO Metropolis)
The next record to be smashed is of course that of most frequent sex. This particular record holder is not of the human variety meaning the opportunity is there to challenge the record? 50 rounds of copulation in 3.5 hours, the champ, the Australian Tree Cricket, and don’t they love to sing about it. I would sing too if I had that kind of stamina going on.
What competition would be complete without a contest for the shortest and longest penis? We hold that every day at my house. Can’t win ‘em all right. To the victor come the spoils, 18.9 inches in length, 10 inches in width reportedly measured in the early 20th century. Boggles the mind, they say big is beautiful. A world record that stands to attention. And for the weeniest weener, David Schwimmer wasn’t available for comment, a mere 0.39 of an inch or exactly 1 x centimetre, the medical term for this is ‘micro-penis’, thankfully it is said to be quite a rare condition.
Next up is a world record to charge your glasses to, I mean Discus and Javelin throwers ‘aint got nothin’ on this athlete, the farthest ejaculation projection! How do you even train for something like that? The world record distance for a male 18 feet (6m) and for a female 10 feet (3m). Video judges employed on this one.
And the most sought after world record of all, the longest kiss. No matter where you live, no matter the climate, availability or absence of urban infrastructure, this is a tournament that every able bodied human has a shot at the title. It seems the trick is in finding a willing training partner? Well the world record result may surprise some, a 58 hour, 35 minute, 58 second make out session, that is truly brutal. A world record that would send shivers down the spine of most UFC fighters. The record holders, Ekkachai Tiranarat and Laksane Tiranarat, yes they were awake for the duration, a stipulation in the rules no less, another rule that contestants must stand for the full session, no leaning or external support, full marks for endurance. And no, mints were not permitted.
Last but not least what else but the strongest vagina. Kind of conjures up grainy images of tractor pulling and post-war building construction? Gentlemen, if by some strange set of circumstance, you ever find yourselves in the sack with a certain Miss Tatyana Kozhevnikova, our advice, take it easy on the feminist wisecracks that is if you don’t want to feel the burn of having your manhood well, wisecracked, and or manhandled with some rather extreme prejudice. Miss Kozhevnikova, featured on the E4 programme The Body Shocking Show, found that after having a baby her intimate areas were significantly weakened.
So, after reading a book on Dao, she became inspired by the ancient women using wooden balls to deal with the issue and inserted a Murano glass ball into her vagina, followed by weights to train her vagina, and now can proudly snatch a 14kg kettlebell with, well, with her snatch. Is that not the best ever definition of a world record holder? Please someone place a gold medal around her neck… and run for your life.